I miss being who I am.

Between the aches in my body from heavy exercise after a long absence and mornings spent reading in bed, I feel that I am awkwardly adjusting to this new shell. But one thing has been consistent, my inconsistency. i don’t know where it is rooted in. My innate habit of abandoning things after trying it for four to five days.

Perhaps it is a human nature thing. To forget and chase the next shiny object. The part of me that I need to heal is the part that runs from the things I love. Like believing that any love that is directed my way, I am not worthy of it. So I do things that will make evidence for the belief that I am actually a shitty person.

There is a wall that stops me every time I attempt to prove to myself who I am. It says loudly and firmly, “NO, THAT is NOT who you are. This is who you will be and forever be.”

That voice. I don’t know where it came from and maybe I can shoot a few guesses.

#1 My number one enemy Iblis. Commanding his shayateen to do whatever it takes to convince us that we are trash and will forever be. he works day and night to try and outmanouver us and discourage us from any attempt at getting stronger. he fills our heads with lies until our inner voice becomes his voice.

“You are worthless and incapable of change. You will always be the same. You don’t love Allah enough to change.”

Words, if I am not keeping a watchful eye, begin to sound like my own. So he cranks up my fears and uses them to slowly chip away at my belief and trust in Allah.

“وَلِلَّهِ خَزَآئِنُ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ”

“But to Allah ˹alone˺ belong the treasuries of the heavens and the earth.” 63:7

he is a sneaky patient asshole. he won’t come at me loudly or angrily. he will sneak up on me and wait me out. I get stronger, mentally and physically, it is game-over for him. he loses, not just on my own front, but to every person I will work to spread dawah to.

Allah has gifted me with the ability to speak and capture the hearts and minds. I am a powerful orator. When I speak about Islam and the Quran, my love shines through and it is infectious. so holding me back with all his might is a long game strategy.

Imagine if you are free from your chains, how many others will you inspire?

Sex, Music, and drugs are chains of this world. he had me locked down with two of these every chance I tried to escape. he would use them to reel me back in to the darkness.

“You have so much potential. I don’t know what is holding you back.” I’ve heard different variations of that phrase in my life from multiple people I love and trust. They could see clear as day the talents and gifts Allah put within me. they couldn’t understand why I feared taking those gifts and using them to the best of my ability. I couldn’t understand that myself!

وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ

“And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them.” 65:3

Words are the the most powerful tools in the world. What words do you believe?

Which ones do you hold close to your heart and being?

The answer tot those questions are what matter most in the end.

People have changed the world because they believed the words “I can.”

People have destroyed the world because they believed the words “I am worthy.”

Allah gave His Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him, His words. The ever-lasting weapon against the enemy of Allah; and what a weak enemy he is!

The stupid ass really chose to fight ALLAH. The one who created him, fed him and elevated him. The KING and OWNER of the UNIVERSE. and he disobyed even after he saw the world and its vastneess. he even lived amongst the angels. The jinn-child really had the audacity to question and disagree with Allah ﷾سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى.

“كَلَّآ ۖ إِنَّ مَعِىَ رَبِّى سَيَهْدِينِ”

“Absolutely not! My Lord is certainly with me—He will guide me.” 26:62

he really is the ultimate loser. The cursed one who has been dispelled from Allah’s mercy. his continuous brainwashing had reached deep within me. I can feel its hooks on my heart. Allah is the cure.

God is the chain-breaker.

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ قَدْ جَآءَتْكُم مَّوْعِظَةٌۭ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَشِفَآءٌۭ لِّمَا فِى ٱلصُّدُورِ وَهُدًۭى وَرَحْمَةٌۭ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ ٥٧

“O humanity! Indeed, there has come to you a warning from your Lord, a cure for what is in the hearts, a guide, and a mercy for the believers.” 10:57

I can’t break these thick chains but I know who can. I promis I will stand at His door until His words are the only words that I hear. I will keep asking and keep knocking because whomever puts their trust in Allah, they will never be disappointed.

لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم

There is no transformation and no power except by Allah.